In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak, who are caught in the schemes he devises. He boasts of the cravings of his heart; he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD. In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God. His ways are always prosperous; he is haughty and your laws are far from him; he sneers at all his enemies. He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me; I'll always be happy and never have trouble."
His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue.
Psalm 10:2-7
"Pride precedes destruction; an arrogant spirit appears before a fall."
Proverbs 16:18
That is exactly the way I would describe myself back in 2013. I was living in Mexico City, I had the right job, a great salary, a "happy" relationship, the right friends and all the partying and drinking my body could handle. In other words, I was living all of the happiness the world had to offer but, to be honest, I was feeling miserable and profoundly bitter. As it is written, "my mouth was full of curses and lies and threats; trouble and evil were under my tongue."
It was also during this time that I got the offer to be transferred to the U.S. I was feeling on the top of the world! I had so much to brag about and yet none of it really mattered at all.
After two failed relationships and 6 months in the U.S., I realized something: I had built this tower made out of unimportant things: success, money, idolized romantic relationships, a car, an apartment, but I felt completely empty and it didn't feel like the tower could handle any more stories. I felt like I was stuck; Hopelessness invaded my life.
I got this idea to go back to Mexico and start from scratch. "Maybe it's my friends from back home, I need them with me. Maybe it's another girl, I need one who fulfills me, who understands me, who will give me what I need." Soon enough I realized that I wanted to destroy that tower I'd built and start a new one. That image freaked me out, it shook me to my very core and made me feel completely in despair. For the very first time, I lost all control in my life and there was no purpose or hope at all.
Some days passed by and the situation wasn't improving at all. I only felt like crying. One day I sat and cried in the parking lot at work. I didn't even care that people at work might see me. Hopeless, I remembered the image of the tower and how stuck I was feeling, my head was filling with a clutter of ideas and one, in particular, was recurring: to find some train tracks and end my misery.
All of this was happening when my phone rang, it was my "annoying" Christian brother calling me, in the middle of the workday. He never called during work. I struggled with the idea of picking the phone up but I ended up doing it. The first thing he said was, "are you ok?", to which I responded with a sobbing "No". He then asked me to pick him up from the airport. He immediately decided to leave his two toddlers with his wife and fly from Florida to look after me for 10 days.
During his stay he lovingly confronted me several times, we had what I consider to be the deepest, most meaningful but painful and hard conversations that I've ever had. All my pride and bitterness were revealed to me.
On the last day of his visit, he asked me to go to church with him. I wasn't comfortable with the idea. He had been trying for 12 years to convince me of something I didn't believe in. But then he said, "you were thinking of giving up, consider yourself dead already and do this, give it a chance." I took it as my last resort.
That Sunday during the sermon I realized how enslaved I was from everything that I had been doing wrong. The preacher explained the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35) where one servant had been forgiven of an enormous debt but then wasn't capable of forgiving the servant that owed him. The story ends with the man being thrown into jail.
After that, He went on saying, "Stop looking and wandering around in the forest searching for the right path while destroying yourself. You have been forgiven already, forgive others, forgive yourself. The power to do this is in Christ and the cost is this: to fully give Him the right to be your Lord, to be your authority and the one who will control your life. He can do a better job at this than you. Just say, Jesus, I surrender to you, you are now my Lord, I am not longer in control. Be my Savior. I confess that you are my King. That while I was still a sinner, you being the Son of God lovingly took human form, living a sinless life and died for me as the perfect sacrifice, resurrecting and defeating death so I can have a new life in You. Jesus, all I know about myself I give to all I know about You!"
Then the preacher quoted Jesus, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30).
That day Jesus saved me and little by little I've seen my character and heart radically changed. My desires were changed, my joy is now with His ways. I have been able to do life and face the daily troubles one day at a time for He is Lord and is in control! I can't think of anything else but getting to know and spending eternity with Him.
I pray that my story might impact yours, or anyone feeling alone and without purpose in life. There's nothing that you could do to make God happy or to gain His favor. He already loves you and is waiting for you to come to Him.
I want to close with Paul's words from prison to the Philippians:
"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ"
Philippians 3:7-8
"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."
Philippians 1:21
